I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
