I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
