I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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