You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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