also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
