i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
