I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Randomize
