No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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