Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
