im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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