I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
