So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
