i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
