Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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