Moan for me like Helen Keller
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My liver is preforming stress tests.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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