i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm like, not good at living.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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