Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Randomize
