She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
