I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
It's rum buckets o'clock
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
