Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
