Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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