I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
