I need to stop coming to work sober
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
