Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
