my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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