just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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