nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
