We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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