think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
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