i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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