why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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