I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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