george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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