tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize