You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
