Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
