guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
