Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
