yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
