Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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