i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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