somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
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