I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I think my vagina is haunted
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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