One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
