Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
smell my finger.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
