my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
