My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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