Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
