You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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