Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
