My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
