Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
