watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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