i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
we're making bets on your personal life
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
