if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
