pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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