I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
